Friday, November 04, 2016

Out For a Drive

10/28/16: So today I had a meeting reguarding my brother Tim.  About 10 people, caretakers, social worker, psychologist, nurse...  I wanted to address the fact that for the past year or so Tim has pretty much been a zombie and doesn't react to us.  In fact, the last time we had seen him he actually turned away several times when Martha and I tried to look at him.  Pretty much what I heard these people tell me in relation to my concern was that Tim is happy, he smiles, he has eye contact with them...  I was told that I don't see this probably because he is due for his next med ("happy pill") at 4:00, and we come at 2:30, meaning it's pretty much worn off.  Gimme a break!  They said that maybe Martha and I should come earlier, picking him up from Program.  I told them that he used to respond to us, and I passed around pictures of him happy and responsive, and a picture of him in a zombie like state.  Not sure I got anywhere with the meeting, but at least they know how I feel.  I ended up losing it and crying.  Hate it when I do that.

11/4/2016: Today I went to visit Tim alone because Martha had some other obligations.  He seemed maybe slightly less zombie like, although he was grinding his teeth when I picked him up and did it off and on through our whole visit, only stopping when I put my hand gently under his jaw and asked him to please stop.  I told him that he would be very sad when his teeth were all ground away and he could no longer eat apples and things that he likes, and that would make me sad too.  He ate the cut up apple and the peanuts and 5th Ave bar I brought him, but never looked my way and never smiled like he used to do up until last year.  I stroked the back of his hair and told him about why Martha wasn't there, and that she loved him and would probably be there next time.  I also told him that I would be going on a cruise and wouldn't see him for 3 weeks because of it.  I told him Hannah had a baby boy, asked him if he remembered Mom singing a certain couple of songs she used to sing him all the time (which I then sang), and we listened to Dad play his guitar and harmonica.  We got the standard chocolate frosty, which Tim downed in less than a minute, while I tried to keep his shirt clean by wiping all his messy drips.  I called Robyn (one of his caretakers) when I got home because she had mentioned something about Tim maybe being unhappy when he went out with us because maybe "his knees hurt" getting in and out of the car.  I told her that he doesn't act unhappy, but rather it's his complete lack of emotion that concerns us.  I told her if I waved my hand frantically in front of his face, I don't even think he'd blink.  It's almost like he's had a lobotomy.  I told her it's really heartbreaking to see him in this state.  She said she understood.  We'll see if things change at all.  I love him.  Sad he got a life like he did... but I know even he has blessings to count.

Thursday, November 03, 2016

I Wanna Live it Well...

Live It Well
Yeah
(I wanna live it well)
Yeah, yeah
(I wanna live it well)
Yeah
Take the burden from my arms
Take the anchors off my lungs
Take me broken and make me one
Break the silence and make it a song
Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah
I wanna sing with all my heart a lifelong song
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
'Cause I can't take none of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn
Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

The One

The day is dark and I can't see
The path I'm on or what's in front of me
But I will stand on this I know
You will never let me go

For the one who holds tomorrow
Holds me in His hand
And I will not fear the future
I'll trust the Great I Am

His love is deep, His love is wide
A fountain flowing like a crimson tide
My stains were scarlet, but this I know
They've been washed as white as snow

For the one who holds tomorrow
Holds me in His hand
And I will not fear the future
I'll trust the Great I Am
Who has been and always will be
Reigning on His throne
For the One who holds me in His hand
Is the One who holds it all

Though the world shall fade away
And the sky may even fall
You are strong enough to save
You're the one who holds
Every heart that is afraid
You hear our desperate call
You are strong enough to save
You're the One who holds it all
You hold it all
You hold it all

For the one who holds tomorrow
Holds me in His hand
And I will not fear the future
I'll trust the Great I Am
Who has been and always will be
Reigning on His throne
For the One who holds me in His hand
Is the One who holds it all
You're the One who holds it all
You're the One who holds it all

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Streams in the Desert

I was crushed...so much so that I despaired even of life, but that was to make me rely not on myself, but on the God who raises the dead" (2 Cor. 1:8, 9).
"Pressed out of measure and pressed to all length;
Pressed so intensely it seems, beyond strength;
Pressed in the body and pressed in the soul,
Pressed in the mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure by foes, and a pressure from friends.
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.
"Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving the staff and the rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living a life in the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured."

Friday, January 08, 2016

Petra, It is Finished

"They searched His face for anger;
For vengeance in His stare;
Instead of eyes that burned with hate
a look of love was there."
(Petra -- It is Finished)
Oh, Lord, make me more like you every day.

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Prayer: by Max Lucado

How hard can it be? I have friends who excel in prayer. They inhale heaven and exhale God. They would rather pray than sleep. I sleep when I should pray. They belong to the PGA: Prayer Giants Association.
Not me. I’m a card-carrying member of the PWA: Prayer Wimps Anonymous.
Hello, my name is Max. I’m a recovering prayer wimp.


It’s true. I doze off when I pray. My thoughts zig, then zag, then zig again. If attention deficit disorder applies to prayer, I am afflicted. When I pray, I think of a thousand things I need to do, and I forget the one thing I set out to do: pray.
Sure. We all pray some
But wouldn’t we like to pray More? Better?


Prayer is not a privilege for the pious, not the art of a chosen few. Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and his child. My friend, he wants to talk with you. Even now, as you read these words, he taps at the door. Open it. Welcome him in. Let the conversation begin.
Prayer really is that simple. Resist the urge to complicate it. Don’t take pride in well-crafted prayers. Don’t apologize for incoherent prayers. No games. No cover-ups. Just be honest honest to God. Tell him everything that’s on your heart. Your worries, your fears, your unfixable fixes.
But here’s the thing about prayer. If it depends on how I pray, I’m sunk. But if the power of prayer depends on the One who hears the prayer, then I have hope.
And if the power of prayer comes from the One who hears it, then I don’t have to be timid.
You heard me right. Our prayers shouldn’t be bashful or half-hearted. They should be bold.
Boldness in prayer is an uncomfortable thought for many. We think of speaking softly to God, humbling ourselves before God, or having a chat with God but agonizing before God? Storming heaven with prayers? Wrestling with God? Isn’t such prayer irreverent? Presumptuous?
It would be had God not invited us to pray as such. “So let us come boldly to the very throne of God and stay there to receive his mercy and to find grace to help us in our times of need” (Hebrews 4:16 tlb).
So how do we go from prayer wimps to audacious prayers like that?
We start by consulting God in everything. Always. Immediately. Quickly. Live with one ear toward heaven. Keep the line open to God.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I saw a piece of his heart...

 He laughed when he saw this picture of himself.
              He was still laughing from the previous picture when I showed him this one.
 I showed him this picture and asked him if he remembered having dinners at Grandma and Grandpa's ever.  He looked at it and said, "I remember that."  I thought it was nice that he answered because he doesn't usually respond back to me, although one of the workers, Robin, told me when I picked him up, that he had been talking more.
Then I showed him this one.  There was a stack of pictures, and we were looking at several.  At one point I looked over at him to see him silently crying, but quite hard.  Big tears streaming down his cheeks.  I apologized for upsetting him and told him sometimes it can be hard looking at pictures with so many people who are no longer with us anymore, and told him that we will see them again some day, but I'm really not sure why he was crying.  I saw raw emotion and felt like I saw a piece of his heart, but I can only guess why he was crying.  He pulled himself together and I rubbed his hand and told him how much I love him, but by then I was teary too.  I checked on him when I got home and the girl who answered the phone said he seemed happy and had just downed a cup of coffee.